‘happily married’ women are far from romantic

Marriages MADE on EARTH

What makes a marriage work these days? The answers Malavika Velayanikal gets from some ‘happily married’ women are far from romantic

Like all other things, the definition of a happy marriage has also changed over time. Man and wife still bond over all the usual reasons — love, lust, money and convenience — but for a growing number it’s that last reason that motivates them to keep their till-death-do-us-apart vow. Gone are the days when in-laws, fidelity and sterility topped the list of concerns; the challenges before the modern couple are new. Cable TV and global exposure, double income and financial independence, a low premium on fidelity and more fish in the ocean to pick from have brought down expectations from the other half to refreshingly practical levels, even if they are abysmally low at times. So what does make a marriage work these days? A few “happily married” souls tell us how they make it work... ‘Like an old shoe’ Naina, 35, engineer “Mine was not a love marriage, it was a lust marriage. We met, we sexually experimented. I had married so early that I had no expectations from the marriage. But the first year turned out to be terrible. I wanted to leave 100 times. The only reason I didn’t go back home was that relatives would ask questions. So I kept packing and unpacking my bag! Now my marriage is like an old shoe. It is so comfy, I’d rather stay in it than walk out for whatever reason. If I leave my husband, I will have to take him with me. Or settle him with some nice girl first. But I know my husband will never leave me, not even if I have an affair. In fact I think if I do go out and have a discreet affair, my husband won’t even mind as long as I don’t leave him.” ‘I try to find him hot’ Shoba, 40, housewife “My only criterion was that I get a rich husband, which I thought I got. I wanted to eat out every day and soon we ran out of money. So the first fight was about cooking. How dare he ask me to cook, I fumed. But I gave in when I got too hungry. That first year, I kept crying that we were so poor we couldn’t eat out like normal everyday people. Then our fights were about sex. He wanted, I didn’t. One fine day, you just can’t take off your clothes in front of a stranger. Then I realised that in an arranged marriage, you have to segregate the man from the act. You have to have sex for the sake of sex. I know my husband finds me hot, so I try to find him hot too. And I find him hot and not hot. I mean, one doesn’t feel about sex or the man the same way from day to day.” ‘Body Bonding’ Sampada, 29, works from home “Do I want to jump into bed with my husband the minute he gets home? No. But when I do get into bed with him, it is gorgeous. I never deny him sex and this has kept the marriage going. I do not cook and he does not need my money. I bring up his kids, that’s all. So I value-add with sex. You unwind a lot when the sex is good. Modern marriages have double incomes. Couples are affluent, and there is no financial dependence. So it is all the more necessary to make a big deal of each other, to bond with bodies. If he has an affair I will leave. He cannot have another woman. But other women should like him, they should flirt with him; that gives me a high. I am old-fashioned in that the man should initiate intimacy. Men should chase women. Even if we are posing for a photo he should be the one to put his arm around me.” ‘Candy men’ Sunita, 41, businesswoman “With a man you have to begin with dishonesty. Never put everything on the line. I want to be the man in a relationship. I mean if it is a power play then I will play the games. Most women can get any man they want. Men are a candy shop, always on display. But men fear alpha females. They prefer the idiots. For a marriage to work the woman has to go out and get a life. Don’t expect the man to give you everything plus an orgasm. You end up whining all the time if you expect too much from him. Women have a good life if you ask me; in the guise of being at home to look after the kids, they lotus-eat.” ‘You, he and she’ Jana, 33, teacher “Once, my husband flipped for my cousin. But she and I got him out of it. We both thought he was being dumb but we thought, “Chalo, he’s got feelings, poor thing, so let’s make him see reason the gentle way.” He didn’t even know what happened. One day he was madly in love, and then he was too busy building our house. My cousin stayed out of sight and I did nothing for the house construction. Our marriage is good as there is equality, friendship and sex. Once in a while something like this can happen, like a virus, but you have to beat it together as a team — you, he and she.” Names have been changed on request