10 steps to be a celeb on Twitter
I was recently introduced to someone as a ‘Twitter celebrity’ by an acquaintance. Whipping up enough modesty, I managed a fine balance between casual nonchalance and an air of importance as I shook hands with the person who didn’t quite appreciate the significance of my celebrity status. Not having seen my face even on a bottle of phenyl, and not being familiar with social networking or Twitter (what a Neanderthal!), the man stood delicately balancing feigned awe and confused familiarity. All in all it was a fine flop. Thankfully there are people who are familiar with Twitter and accord due importance to ‘sofame’ — social networking fame — a status so significant that we ought to have a phrase for it.
It does not matter if you do not have a shred of achievement to your credit, the fine grading system of Twitter allows everyone a dash, dose or dollop of sofame. The one with 100 followers would call a 1,000-follower user a celeb, and the 1,000-follower celeb doffs his hat at the 5k celebrity and so on, going up to the 24-carat 30-40k heavyweight celebs who get to rub virtual shoulders with the real world celebrities who also happen to be on Twitter. Given how much Twitter revolves around this class consciousness and being a 10-carat gold-plated Twitter celebrity myself, I thought it was my responsibility to share my time-tested, closely guarded secrets of becoming a Twitter celebrity.
n Learn the fine art of stalking: Pick 2-3 Twitter celebrities and 2-3 real world celebrities and stalk the replies out of them. Make sure you comment on every little thing they tweet including any auto gibberish from unlocked phones.• Adopt a celebrity: Twitter is a great place to collect victims. Be a social climber by being the ‘twight’ in ‘twining’ ‘twarmour’ and adopting a high profile author or journalist or film star and standing in the way of every barb aimed at them.
n Create controversy: When you cannot kiss ass, you kick butt. Pick a top celebrity or brand, rubbish them and enjoy the magic. Picking the right subject for this purpose is an art in itself which is a discussion for another day, another column.
n Be an askpert: Become the one people rely on for solutions to Kashmir, grow the nation’s GDP, eradicate poverty, wipe out terrorism and ensure world peace. Make sure you have an opinion on everything. No matter what the news, you ought to comment on it.
n Practise caste system: Maintain an illusion of celebrityhood and talk only to those who are at your follower count level or better still, above. Ignore small time users till they climb up the status ladder after which you could deign to acknowledge their existence.
n Be your own PR person: In a world where everyone is in a hurry, if you cannot promote yourself, who would? Find creative ways of highlighting praise, celebrity replies and comments. Any number of plugs on your own posts are forgiven if you hashtag them #selfplug or #shamelessselfpraise
n Candlelight crusader: Espouse a cause. Stand for something. Anything. Remember Miss World pageant? Making the world a better place? Go for it.
n Be the Informinator: Post links with such speed and frequency that don’t allow people enough time to click on them but at the same time be impressed that you know so much more than all their generations put together.
n Simon them: If there is no pleasant bone in your body, worry not. Snarky sells, rudeness rocks, impudence impresses. The more offensive you get, the faster you zoom towards sofame.
n Joke machine: If you are mildly funny, consider it your duty to mark every occasion, every event, every hashtag and basically everything with a funny tweet. You are not allowed to post anything that you do not consider funny. It does not matter what others think.
There you go. Remember, when you finally become a celebrity, learn to pooh-pooh celebrity status by dismissing those who call you a celebrity. This is best achieved by practising the it’s-no-big-deal smile and i’m-like-everyone-else shrug. Welcome to my world!
I was recently introduced to someone as a ‘Twitter celebrity’ by an acquaintance. Whipping up enough modesty, I managed a fine balance between casual nonchalance and an air of importance as I shook hands with the person who didn’t quite appreciate the significance of my celebrity status. Not having seen my face even on a bottle of phenyl, and not being familiar with social networking or Twitter (what a Neanderthal!), the man stood delicately balancing feigned awe and confused familiarity. All in all it was a fine flop. Thankfully there are people who are familiar with Twitter and accord due importance to ‘sofame’ — social networking fame — a status so significant that we ought to have a phrase for it.
It does not matter if you do not have a shred of achievement to your credit, the fine grading system of Twitter allows everyone a dash, dose or dollop of sofame. The one with 100 followers would call a 1,000-follower user a celeb, and the 1,000-follower celeb doffs his hat at the 5k celebrity and so on, going up to the 24-carat 30-40k heavyweight celebs who get to rub virtual shoulders with the real world celebrities who also happen to be on Twitter. Given how much Twitter revolves around this class consciousness and being a 10-carat gold-plated Twitter celebrity myself, I thought it was my responsibility to share my time-tested, closely guarded secrets of becoming a Twitter celebrity.
n Learn the fine art of stalking: Pick 2-3 Twitter celebrities and 2-3 real world celebrities and stalk the replies out of them. Make sure you comment on every little thing they tweet including any auto gibberish from unlocked phones.• Adopt a celebrity: Twitter is a great place to collect victims. Be a social climber by being the ‘twight’ in ‘twining’ ‘twarmour’ and adopting a high profile author or journalist or film star and standing in the way of every barb aimed at them.
n Create controversy: When you cannot kiss ass, you kick butt. Pick a top celebrity or brand, rubbish them and enjoy the magic. Picking the right subject for this purpose is an art in itself which is a discussion for another day, another column.
n Be an askpert: Become the one people rely on for solutions to Kashmir, grow the nation’s GDP, eradicate poverty, wipe out terrorism and ensure world peace. Make sure you have an opinion on everything. No matter what the news, you ought to comment on it.
n Practise caste system: Maintain an illusion of celebrityhood and talk only to those who are at your follower count level or better still, above. Ignore small time users till they climb up the status ladder after which you could deign to acknowledge their existence.
n Be your own PR person: In a world where everyone is in a hurry, if you cannot promote yourself, who would? Find creative ways of highlighting praise, celebrity replies and comments. Any number of plugs on your own posts are forgiven if you hashtag them #selfplug or #shamelessselfpraise
n Candlelight crusader: Espouse a cause. Stand for something. Anything. Remember Miss World pageant? Making the world a better place? Go for it.
n Be the Informinator: Post links with such speed and frequency that don’t allow people enough time to click on them but at the same time be impressed that you know so much more than all their generations put together.
n Simon them: If there is no pleasant bone in your body, worry not. Snarky sells, rudeness rocks, impudence impresses. The more offensive you get, the faster you zoom towards sofame.
n Joke machine: If you are mildly funny, consider it your duty to mark every occasion, every event, every hashtag and basically everything with a funny tweet. You are not allowed to post anything that you do not consider funny. It does not matter what others think.
There you go. Remember, when you finally become a celebrity, learn to pooh-pooh celebrity status by dismissing those who call you a celebrity. This is best achieved by practising the it’s-no-big-deal smile and i’m-like-everyone-else shrug. Welcome to my world!
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