Some people just can’t be called Indian. These, for instance

Some people just can’t be called Indian. These, for instance

Illustrations: ABHIJEET KINI

THE HOMEGROWN FOREIGNER

He drives a German car. His wife wears only Spanish designers, Italian shoes and French handbags. They only open foreign wines at a party (Sula or Grover? Eww!). They’ve trained the maid to make nasi goreng and eat out only if it’s “authentic Italiano”. Their kids study at international schools (baby’s leaning Esperanto!) And they only holiday in places where they can take their passport. The passport’s Indian. Are they?

THE CLOUD BEARER

She’s storing everything on iCloud. She’s already watched episode 7 of Aaron Sorkin’s Newsroom. She’s got
New york magazine and Der speigel on her Tablet. Her boyfriend is up all night playing Assasin’s creed with a stranger from Australia. Her three magic words: Free International Shipping! There are potholes outside her building and a lonely senior citizen in the flat next door, but she doesn’t care. Her world is flat and borderless. But is it in India?

THE MISFIT NRI

She can’t drink sada paani. The dust makes her sneeze. The flat is too small. The furniture is too tacky. The neighbours smile too much. The servants are in her face. The morning paper is too depressing. The cars honk when there’s nothing in their way. And what’s all this “Kindly Adjust”? Is she really in her home country?

THE PERPETUAL PESSIMIST

The way he sees it, iss desh ka kuch nahin ho sakta. He’s convinced his country has done nothing for him. He’s stopped paying taxes (those buffoons will not take my money!). He won’t vote. He hasn’t found any reason to be proud during the Olympics. The country’s 1.2 billion people are all conspiring to screw with him. Everybody’s the villain. But does that make him the hero?

THE EXOTIC ACTRESS

Her grandma was half-Indian, you know? One fourth, really. India is in her blood, especially now that she’s angling for a shot at Bollywood. She loves India. All the camels and turbans and stuff on the main page of Wikipedia. She wants meaty roles and is taking lessons in acting, Hindi and item-number dancing. Other
than that, she’s like you only, no?

THE COLONIAL APOLOGIST

He suffers from the delusion that all our nation’s problems would be solved if only we hadn’t driven the nice British away. He believes that our roads and railways were set up for the people, not for trade. He’s turned his back on Colonial atrocities, ‘divide and conquer’ and 1857. So he’ll never lift a finger to better his own country. White is right, he thinks. Does that give him the right to paint India black?

THE JUNKETEER BABU

More than 300 days of travel a year. Shaking hands with diplomats. Bunking at the Indian Embassy in 26 countries. Gifting saris to ambassador’s wives (Gosh, your country is so colourful!). Then returning with grandiose impractical visions – Mumbai can be like Shanghai. Delhi can be like Dubai.

India can be like that little principality on the seven-country tour of Europe whose name you’ve forgotten. When were they last home long enough to know what was going on?